I often wonder when something triggers deep emotions of sadness, frustration and wonder at what, why and how people can say things that are so judgmental and not expect to be told the truth! As if they, and others, haven’t changed over time and done their own greedy, selfish, good/bad things.
Why do people point fingers? Because they’re afraid of anyone finding out something in their past and/or they’re doing their best to make peace with someone in their family who doesn’t deserve their trust and confidence.
When we don’t know who to trust we fall back on trusting those we’ve known the longest or the, ever present, family member who really doesn’t deserve our trust but we try once again to give them the benefit of the doubt. Wrong move as we always learn, once again, what nasty, crummy, liars (insert your words here) they are.
I believe the most difficult realization I’ve ever had to come to is that blood family are still people who screw up, just like we do, in various measures of good/bad. EVEN if we know the truth it’s not ours to judge but it is our job to tell the truth.
The truth has only one truth and the rest is a lie. But when people tell you the opposite who do you trust? I’ve learned that most people are willing to lie to save their own butts regardless of the shitstorm that follows. As long as they aren’t in the tornado being criticized they’re still willing to let the tornado spin out of control and hurt so many relationships because in the end family members and others will take sides.
I think most people lie out of fear – fear of abandonment, fear of scorn, fear of having to explain and admit they have not been truthful nor acted as a good person.
My mother was born in 1923 and she’s lied throughout my entire lifetime. She changes the past to her own whims and she is always the victim pleading her case with anyone who will listen. Oh poor Jane is just what she wants to hear because empathy, love and support feel so good so she forgets the lie and it becomes her truth to be shouted far and wide to any and all.
I know she doesn’t like having the family at odds yet she continues to tell her truth, the lie that split brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, cousins and friends into two sides instead of us remaining as one family.
Sad as this is, I have never been more at peace with life and living. The family and loving friends I’ve surrounded myself with are true people who value me and my loved ones. There’s no fighting, sniping, drunken babysitting or hate. I’ve had to cut four blood family out of my life, including my mother, but it really was worth it because it was my own sanity at risk.
For many years I told my family about my mother’s willingness to lie and discuss many personal things and make big assumptions about family behind everyone’s backs. Jane would criticize all about the way they looked, talked, their family, etc. and she’s particularly hard on the women even my wonderful sister in laws who were foolish enough to marry into my family.
Jane comes off like such a sweet old lady but she’s really a viper. She learned that old people get away with so much because everyone believes them! Nevermind that she lies daily to herself and others. I knew the real her and she’s a nasty, critical old bag who thinks she can say or do anything and everyone will just forgive her. She doesn’t change, she continues to hate but no matter what people respect her because of her age.
The truth is not everyone deserves our love and respect! Family members or not! I do give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they prove me wrong and I can’t help it – that’s me and many times it hurts me but most of the time it works out well.
I can’t stop loving people because some are not who they present themselves as and disappoint me. Most people won’t disappoint so it’s worth it all the way.
I’ve learned about having a blood family and an adult family. My adult family includes some of my blood family but most are friends who’ve become loved ones and they are the ones that make life good for me.
The holidays are about seeing and celebrating our loved ones and too many times blood family gets in the way of our happiness. The truth is we allow them to do this. We allow them to upset us and until WE stop allowing it, the torture will continue to drag you down until you are in the pit of vipers unable to see a way out.
Sadly, only when WE stand up for ourselves will we clean out of our lives the people who make us upset, frustrated and unhappy.